Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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