the condom got lost in my hair
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
