You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
