I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She said her name was "party"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
