I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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