I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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