My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
