Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My breasts were aching with rage.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
