Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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