I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
