Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
