I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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