remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
