I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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