Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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