got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
