I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
where are my eyebrows?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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