mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
