She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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