im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Pants are for mortals
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
