Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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