You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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