I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
