All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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