dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
