Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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