She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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