I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
