this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
