Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
