i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
