The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
