Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
ttyl tear gas
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
