I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I would fuck him just for his dog
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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