you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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