I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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