i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
