I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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