apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
