Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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