The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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