Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
