At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
