You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
