Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
