You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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