After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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