Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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