shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
