hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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