Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
